Thursday, May 19

inner most thoughts

hey!
i knew it..
haha..
can see pple's eye already roaming..
searching for wat's karboon really thinking..
well..
-shrugs-
i am just going to blog wat i am thinking..
tt's all..
sorry to disappoint u guys~
:)

as i was walking home last night..
i was messaging a friend..
i dunno if he will be reading this..
i doubt he will be..
the sms-es were few..
and i guessed he's busy..
who isn't nowadays?
but wat crushed me was..
we used to be close friends..
okok..
mabbe not tt close...
-i know wat u guys are thinking-
but good enuf for us to have already confided in one another b4..

it makes me wonder..
who's fault issit when friendship starts to sway..
on my end..
i always wait for people to sms me,
to ask me out..
only to realise that,
much as i wan to,
i can't..
and the other hand,
i tot..
my friends may be waiting for me to sms me them as well..
to ask them out..
and mabbe tt's y..
both parties end up not calling up each other..
end up not contacting each other..

it also makes me wonder..
whether people actually trust me..
to have the faith in me tt i am trying to help them..
i doubt anione will believe wat i say aniway..
only few wld understand..
on the many years of friendships i had with many of them..
there are still those who thinks i wan to earn from them..
am i really this type of person to u guys?
to all my closest friends?
to those i am not so close to?
in ur hearts, am i really so money-minded?
or am i really so bad?
if not,
where is the trust?
i do know wat i am doing..
i will not drag my friends into trouble..
i WILL NOT.
alright?
i am not trying to convince anyone here..
u guys can convince urself..
i feel guilt free..

many things have happened..
i am beginning to wonder..
from the time i started building the friendship..
with anyone..
till today..
is it tt i am really the type of person,
who cannot be trusted?
i am just asking myself..
no one needs to answer me..
but from wat i see...
yes.. i cannot be trusted..
and i can blame no one but myself..
coz ultimately,
how people feel about me,
is caused by me..
isn't it true?

y my friends ain't contacting me?
y my friends ain't asking me out?
y my friends this, y my friends that?
ultimately..
i got to blame myself..
if i am really such a good friend,
these wldn't have happened..
true?

someone's blog mentioned bout pple more concerned bout their bf..
want to spend more time with their bf..
i simply wish tt those pple wld grow up..
and i also wish tt i wld grow up too..
pple wouldn't say tt if it ain't true..
but us, who are attached,
wld always try to argue agains't the facts..
and pple wld say we are coming up with excuses..
endless cycle huh?
and more often den not..
both parties end up hurt..
so wats the point of starting that?
if those who are not attached,
when going out,
call those who are attached,
wldn't everything be fine?
and if those who are attached are forever not free coz of their bf,
den its obvious tt they zhong se qin you, ain't it?
but if the pple are not putting the effort to call those who are attached,
and say they wldn't come anyway,
now..
who's fault is it?
i am not referring to anione in particular..
and to my closest friend,
u know who u are,
i am not referring to u..
honest..
we already had a heart to heart talk bout this topic..
:)
-cheers to us!-

have ur ever have the feeling of...
ur v close friends in ur clique,
but long time nv seen him/her,
and suddenly tot of their name,
and seen their faces,
and suddenly....
they seem so familiar......
but so strange....
so far away...
or maybe its only for those who are bad friends..
like me..
who get to have the sensation...
i remembered having this sensation bout xueling..
i see her face..
but her name is so strange..
i even wonder where she is...
den reality struck me..
she's in AJ too!
we're in the same school!
:'(
it happened to me again today..
i see a person's face..
his actions..
and i realised...
it's sharmen..
i feel sad that i can't be trusted...
at least to him..
i feel sad tt pple rather believe others..
den believe me..
but as i said.
its my fault..
if i am really so trustable, y dun pple believe me?

i wonder who's still reading this post..
if u are still reading,
sorry to have wasted like 5 mins of ur time?
its all craps to pple who dunno me well aniway..

my sis and i had actually talked bout friendship b4..
and both of us came up with a conclusion tt..
there's no such thing as truest friend of our life..
pple move on..
pple make new friends..
and i remembered crying in front of her..
tt was the day i felt tt..
hey..
i can confide in my sis too..
:)
thanks mei...

after all that blabbering of rubbish...
i just came back from lunch..

human beings are strange creatures..
i tot bout all these till i cried myself to slp..
but strangely..
i felt better after crying..
rather den feeling so bad deep inside..
but unable to cry it out..

maybe like wat a friend wrote in his blog..
"people may remember me the day they flip the newspaper, and see my face inside.. but by that time, i will no longer be around.."
kinda apply to me too..

it will really make someone mad..
to have all the blames pointed to one alone..
everything tt happened, is tt person's fault..
he is responsible,
he got to take responsibilty..

so everything tt i stated,
why it eventually turned out the way it is today,
i am responsible for it one way or another..
no..
i am not undergoing depression..
i am searching for my true self..
i am seeking the answers from my conscience..
tt i am glad i spent the time thinking..
why issit tt things turned out this way..
i like it better to be in charge of my own life..
instead of blaming every single person around me..
saying tt its them,
tt's y i am like tt now..
i should start to learn how to blame myself..
i did not put in the efforts to stay in contact..
i did not this, i did not tt..

haa...
after such a long session,
did ur feel tt u have known karboon better?
or did ur feel tt this entry is so fake?
i just wanna say cheers to my parents!
who...
no matter wat...
will forever be there for me...
and i still have them........
when everyone else moves on................
^-^

Posted by jiawen at 10:04